Life, beyond a shadow of a doubt, wanted me to learn two other lessons after it got me fished out of High School when I was 16.

 

First: You can change the world, but won’t make a unicorn out of a camel.

 

Second: Free Sushi can also mean Liberate Sushi.

 

The latter one, I might pass on to my grandchildren, when they invite me to a fancy sushi place to celebrate my 80th birthday.

 

If by then there are still sushi restaurants around.

 

I really hope I won’t commit Hara-Kiri till then. If I do, surely, in hell I'd be placed in a heavenly Free Sushi Restaurant, in which unhonorable Salmonslaughterers like me, every time they’d try to bite into an inside outside california roll on the conveyer belt, would be teleported to a chopstick factory next to another free sushi restaurant, in which they would have to handmake 10000 chopsticks on the conveyer belt in order to go back to the conveyer belt. Very likely 20000 chopsticks, because chopsticks are always made out of a pair of two. I have no idea how handmade chopsticks are handmade because I completely suck at being good with my hands.

 

So that's how I imagine what hell must look like. 

 

The past ten years were rather an odyssey. Either I didn’t have enough money to buy sushi or I didn’t have enough money to buy enough sushi. It-which-must-not-be-named shall be called Sashimi.

 

Sujin (the Japanese water godess) left me no other choice but to create my own sushi place. So after I got kicked out of Mc Donald’s for awarding FishMacs for free; from my parents coral shark reef, as well as from an an upper-class aquarium (Swiss jail), I built a boat and became a fisherman. I didn’t really build a boat because – Poseidon forbid – I completely suck at being good with my hands, but luckily I can create mediocre metaphors.

 

The ocean was full of fish and so I did fish. Small fish, big fish, fish that can’t even swim or pretend to do so, seaweed, slow fish with a big shell that sometimes look like huge makis when they duck their head inside (duck sushi is not so tasty), more seaweed, rainbowfish, fish that swim away from their shelf all around the ocean just to come back and realize they can’t swim away from it, seaweed, Pinocchio, (he was really beneficial) fish that scientists can only dream about, if they would believe in their dreams, more seaweed, seaweed, weed, valium, anbien.

 

Neither tuna, nor salmon, nor sushi.

 

Hara-Kiri.

 

I looked up to the stars and they reminded me of valium. I closed my eyes and cried into the ocean. I hugged a baby whale but it didn’t hug me back because it was already dead and I killed it. I covered my body with seaweed and cried into the ocean.

 

Neither tuna, nor salmon, nor sushi.

 

Harara-Kiriri.

 

I looked up to the stars and dreamed of this one planet I heard about when I used to live on the coast among people. This one planet with water and maybe tuna. maybe salmon, maybe sushi. Maybe my friend Uri made it to NASA and could help me out.

 

Uri kind of made it to the NASA. He was from Amsterdam and opened his own coffee shop there.

 

I remembered that Pinocchio’s fairy godmother that used to visit me and my longfine eel on occasions, still owed me a favor as I provided her with Omega 3 capsules, and helped her get clean from her xanax addiction. So I sent an underwater-owl, that people still mistakenly take for Mantras and the fairy godmother flew by.

 

„Please fairy godmother, bring me to the promised planet,“ I begged.

 

„First give me all your valium. And your anbien.“

 

„All those Oni, I threw them overboard.“

 

„Get them back.“

 

„How?“

 

„Make a wish.“

 

“But I only have one wish.”

 

“That’s for once not my problem.”

 

“Then I wish all the psychotropic drugs and all doubts in this and all the other worlds shall be destroyed in the blazing fire of Mount Doom, once and for all, you miserable witch!.”

 

“Then I shall do H.”

 

“And all the H and all the other letters in the world. Except the F. This one stands for Forgiveness.”

 

“Love me.”

 

“First love yourself and I’ll love you to the only star that has not left us yet, and back.”

 

“Which one?”

 

“The moon.”

 

Fairy godmother put this little smile on she used to put on when she took her wings off. 

 

„Fine, charming fisherman! I’ll  bring you wherever the hell you wanna go.“

​

As I opened my eyes I was sitting on an extraordinary extraterrestrial yacht. I Iooked down upon what looked like planet earth.

 

Was this the promised planet?

 

The ocean was full of tuna and salmon and so I did fish.

 

Soon I poseydonessesed so much tuna and salmon that I would be able to open my own sushi place. I hugged my dead baby whale, and rode my extraordinary extraterrestrial yacht to the shore.

 

„I shall call this sushi place Hahari-Kiri becuase I killed death,“ I shouted when all of a sudden I realized that I had no rice to cook the sushi.

 

There was no rice at all on this planet.

Maybe I should have just named it Hahari-Kirice instead. But then again it was hard since I haven't been smiling for ages.  

 

Lightyears passed away and I lied to myself, pretending to eat sushi but it was only It-which-must-not-be-named-sahshimi. I even replaced rice with quinoa.

 

I was a clownfish and no Steppenwolf was looking for me. 

 

Inari Okami (The Japanese rice godess) left me no other choice but to go back to the shelf I had swum away from.

 

I did some stuff with the Relativity of Theory, using my worms from the rod and the expired quinoa for a Wormhole, because I completely suck at physics and have no idea how to create a Wormhole.

 

Then I woke up, went to the gym and met this vegan girl on the treadmill, that studies marine biology.

 

By the way you can’t transform a unicorn into a camel either.